


i (and) love (and) you

by essily



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Future Fic, M/M, Road Trips, also they never found glendower, and adam sort of excommunicated everyone, gansey isn't dead, i make everything sad, oops lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-22 07:40:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3720634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/essily/pseuds/essily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's been 9 months since Adam has talked to everyone last, and it's no wonder - he may or may not have told them he never wanted to see them again. for the most part, everyone has left him alone, aside from the occasional voicemail or concerned text from Blue and Noah.<br/>but now, at the end of his first year of college, Gansey shows up unannounced outside his apartment with the Pig and an offer - a week-long, all-expenses-paid road trip, wherever Adam wants to go. just one week, and then he'll never have to see Gansey again.<br/>Adam says yes.</p><p>thanks to whoever that anon was who suggested it! i know you came off anon at one point but i forgot your url ;-;<br/>already on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 12:30 AM (overture)

**Author's Note:**

> *slides into ur dm's*  
> hey yo it's me with some more rarepair pain for y'all!!!! this time it's adansey  
> started as a tumblr prompt, but i decided to make it mulit-chaptered. i promise to update soon!

adam’s judgement may have been a bit clouded, he’d admit that. all the chaos had just ended a few hours ago, what with moving out into the new apartment and getting the car to run in the first place, not to mention all the stress about final grades and papers he’d been dealing with. and of course, the moment that was all over, he found himself back where he began, on the side of the road next to a bright orange camaro, and it was honestly overwhelming.

so yes, his judgement may have been clouded, but it’s not every day your ex-best friend you haven’t seen in nearly a year just casually swings by and offers to take you on a week-long road trip with no responsibilities, no stress, and free food. anyone would have agreed to that. 

right?

there was a time when he would have hated gansey just for suggesting it- back then, he was stupid about his pride. he needed to do everything himself, no matter how small.

these days, he would have liked some pity here and there. 

his phone started buzzing around 12:30 as he desperately tried to sleep, still revved up on all the coffee he’d had to keep himself awake earlier. rolling over, he begrudingly checked the caller ID, but it was someone he didn’t know. he was about to turn it off when he saw it - it was a henrietta number.

“hello?”

“parrish,” came the sudden reply, “look out your window.” he knew that voice- a voice he hadn’t heard in far too long.

adam tumbled haphazardly out of bed and rushed to the single window. there, some 50 feet below, was none other than richard campbell gansey iii, waving up at him.

when he had left, he’d snapped once and for all, had told gansey- told all of them- that he wanted nothing to do with them anymore. it was a bit excessive, but at the time, he had meant what he said. but now, seeing his face, hearing his voice, adam found himself missing them all over again.

“come down,” said gansey. “please.”

so here he was, standing face-to-face with gansey once again. he looked different- older. much older than he should have been. in the 9 months since they’d seen each other last, he seemed to have aged a whole five years. more than anything, he looked tired.

they stared at each other like that for a while, just looking, before either said a word. and what could they say? with the way things had ended between them, what was left? 

it was adam who finally spoke.

“why are you here?”

it wasn’t an unreasonable question, but he must have said it more harshly than he meant to, because gansey looked hurt for a fleeting moment. but then, as soon as the look had come, it was gone again. he squared his shoulders and looked adam in the eyes.

“i have an offer to make.”

“and what’s that?”

“one week. you and me. the pig. wherever you want to go. whatever you want. just one week, and you never have to see me again.” it was rushed, the way he said it. rehearsed.

“okay,” adam said quietly. “one week.” he didn’t say "and then you leave". he didn’t say a lot of things.

gansey smiled.

“pack a bag, parrish.”


	2. one foot in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a step in the right (?) direction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short and it took so long, but finals were sort of crazy for me and i did 23 hours of volunteering in june so just. take it from me

adam woke up before dawn. it took a moment to remember where he was. it all felt like a dream, gansey appearing in the dead of night, whisking adam away on an impromptu road trip, adam _agreeing_.

it felt so strange to be in the pig again after so long- but at the same time, it felt so natural, so _right_. he forced the feeling down. he was doing this for- well, not for anything, really. but he was giving gansey closure. whatever sort of fucked-up closure he could get from a road trip, but with all the things he had said before, he figured he owed gansey this much.

adam looked to his left, but realized that gansey wasn’t in the driver’s seat. they were pulled over somewhere on the side of the highway. if he was right, they should be somewhere in pennsylvania. first light had broken on the horizon, but the sun wasn’t up yet.

sitting up, adam saw gansey leaning against the driver’s side of the car and got out of the car, stepping out into the cool night air. he stretched his legs, putting his shoes back on. he didn’t remember taking them off in the first place, but old habits die hard.

gansey turned to see him.

“sorry. did i wake you up?” his voice was hoarse and his eyes tired, but he tried valiantly to look unbothered. adam saw through it.

“not your fault.” adam paused when he saw what was in gansey’s hand, balanced between his fingers, glowing red at one end. “are you _smoking_?”

gansey laughed at adam’s reaction, like he’d heard it a thousand times before.

“mint leaves don’t keep you awake,” he replied. “or sane, for that matter.”

if adam had been younger, by maybe 9 months or so, he would have scolded him for ruining his lungs or something along those lines. mouth cancer. vocal chords. but after this past year… he understood the feeling, and he couldn’t say he blamed him.

he walked around the front of the camaro and leaned on the side next to gansey. adam sighed, and he could see his breath on the cold air like an echo of the cigarette smoke.

gansey coughed. “so. did you decide where you wanted to go yet?”

adam gave it some thought.

“yeah, actually. i wanna go to new york. i’ve never been.”

“ _man_ , parrish. you need to live a little.” he half-smiled, but it quickly fell away. “it’s done. we can be there by 9.”  
“you could get some sleep first.”

if anyone asked, he would have said he just didn’t trust gansey not to fall asleep at the wheel and get him killed- but maybe, just maybe, that part of himself that adam had left with gansey was coming back. the part that worried about gansey, about his sleep schedule, his future, his quest. the part that kept him up at night wondering how he could possibly save him. that part, though he’d never admit it, was the reason he had left.

“if i could, i would,” he mumbled, looking away again and taking a drag from the cigarette. adam didn’t argue with him, only nodded as they stared westward, backs to the sunrise, the sun breaking over the horizon.

“day one,” said gansey.

“day one.”


	3. one foot back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> adam remembers. gansey remembers. adam tries not to.

it’s easy to lose yourself in new york city. it’s easy to forget who you are and who’s with you. it’s easy to pretend you don’t have heavy history with the boy standing next to you when there’s a big, beautiful city ahead, demanding to be explored.

adam parrish had wanted out of henrietta for as long a he could remember- wanted adventure, and mystery, and all the things a kid would want. but college had always been his escape plan, and he found it didn’t leave much room for fun. he hadn’t been anywhere more than ten miles from school in nine months.

new york was like a breath of fresh air. well, the air wasn’t exactly  _fresh_ , which was strange, but he didn’t dislike it. 

this place, adam noticed, was the farthest thing from henrietta he had ever seen. the people there had been his sort of people, simpler, more subdued, slow-speaking and unhurried. new york was cluttered and crammed with rushing commuters, teenagers with strangely-colored hair, college students. in henrietta, gansey had stuck out like a sore thumb- and it was easy not to see why- gansey was from the city, and though it wasn't new york, new york really was full of people like him.

but then, adam thought, there really was nobody like gansey.

speaking of gansey:

“parrish. come look at this.”

adam turned to the sound of gansey’s voice. he had been staring at nothing for a few minutes, refusing to go into yankee candle with gansey and waiting until he was done smelling every one of them. it made him think of noah and smile.

gansey was now standing at the window of a store that was closed, hands pressed oddly against the glass so he could look inside against the dimming evening light.

adam walked up beside him, leaving a careful distance between them, and peered inside. the shop was a strange sort of pawn shop, full of odd little trinkets, books and watches and whatnot. of course gansey would find this store, even when it was closed.

even in all the clutter and the darkness of the store, he could see what gansey was talking about- a small collection of stuffed pigeons on a table near the front.

oh.

it ‘s so easy to lose yourself in new york. it’s so easy to pretend you don’t have heavy history with the boy next to you. it’s easy, until you see a stuffed pigeon, and even a stuffed pigeon can remind you of the way things were before.

adam chanced another look at gansey. that look was back again, the tired look.

“do you remember the pigeons?” gansey asked, not looking at him, but beginning to smile.

“yeah,” adam replied, not trusting himself to say anything else, in case what he really wanted to say came out instead. “yeah.”

gansey met his eyes suddenly. his mouth was open as if he was about to say something, but he closed it again just as quickly, his expression closing off again.

"want to get some dinner?" he asked instead.

adam nodded.

gansey was talking about restaurants now, but adam couldn't bring himself to listen. all he could think of was the way he had laughed that day in the parking lot, laughed until he felt like he couldn't breathe. he didn't know how to tell gansey that he hadn't laughed like that in a long time. he didn't know if he wanted to tell gansey. he'd promised himself that after this week he would have moved on, forgotten about gansey and ronan and blue and noah.

but as much as he hated it, he still felt that pain as sharply as if he had left them yesterday.

as much as he hated it, he also hated that gansey hadn't said his name once since he'd seen him again.

just one week, he told himself, one week, and it'll be over.

though now, he wasn't sure why- or if- he wanted it to be.

 


	4. for never to return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boys who can't sleep and can't talk about their feelings, alone, in a hotel room. recipe for pain.

that night, on the 31st floor of a hotel in midtown, adam didn't sleep. gansey was asleep, or pretending to sleep, but it didn't matter which. it was too dark to see, even with the city lights, and gansey was turned away from him. adam could just lay awake and listen to gansey breathe.

god. how sappy was that?

but he had left to keep gansey safe- what he saw in the vision, knowing what blue knew- it had been the only way to save him, even if the others didn't understand. hearing him breathing now, just on the other hotel bed, was a reminder of that. 

if he came back, would the vision come true? if he went back to henrietta, would everything be for nothing?

it didn't matter. he couldn't go back. he couldn't face the others. it was easier with gansey- they had always danced around each other like this, not saying what needed to be said. it was familiar. not that he liked it. 

"are you awake?" he heard gansey whisper from behind him.

"yeah."

"are you alright?"

adam didn't answer. if he said yes, that would be the end of it. god knew gansey wasn't crossing any boundaries today. if he said no, well, that was- that wasn't something-

gansey was impossibly quiet. then:

"do you want to go back?"

"back?"

"to your apartment. if you don't want to be here-"

"no. i want to stay. i said a week."

gansey fell silent again, but adam could feel everything unsaid between them, all at once, like a storm at his back.

say something, he told himself, say something. there were a million things he could say to gansey- how he had missed him, how he left for his own good, how he hated hearing "parrish" come out of him mouth where it had always been "adam"- but none of them would make this better.

this was about closure. he wasn't about to fix things if he was just leaving all over again.

"why did you come?" he asked, deciding that was his safest bet.

he heard gansey turn over to face him, and though he surely couldn't see adam with the lights off and the curtains closed, it felt distinctly closer than before.

"would you hate me if i said i missed you?"

no, he thought, no, and it's killing me.

but it was too much for right now. he tried to think of something that suited him to say, something adam- not parrish- would have said to gansey, ages ago. he wanted to be that person so badly right now. but this never would have happened. that life he'd left behind was never like this, whispered confessions in dark places, on hotel beds far from home. he couldn't remember who he would have been now.

"no," he said at last, but there was no response, and he wondered if he'd fallen asleep at last.


End file.
